Once the Stars Have Fallen Forever
by EyesBrite
Summary: The hair beneath her fingers was too soft, too straight. The weight pressed against her body was too heavy. The chin against her throat wasn’t smooth enough. Most of all, though, the voice that whispered her name was completely wrong. (RJ, LL, Post R&R)
1. Prologue: This is Getting Over You

**Author's Note:** This is my take on the season finale, and my very biased take on Rory's motives. Although focused on her, there's going to be a large helping of Luke/Lorelai on the side. This is my first Gilmore Girls fic, so reviews would be appreciated muchly! Lyrics here are from the Alkaline Trio.

* * *

_Drowning myself is a game I play  
Drown myself away   
Drown myself away   
Goodbye   
_  
**Prologue: This is Getting Over You**  
Somewhere along the line she stopped seeing him. It stopped mattering who was above her. Everything melted away from her, leaving Rory alone with her thoughts.  
  
This was how it was supposed to be. This was who it was supposed to be with. Yet somewhere in the back of her mind she was comparing. His kisses were too soft, his touches too gentle. While she was perfectly aware that this was the recipe for a picture perfect first time, the part of her brain she'd thought long dead was screaming in frustration. The part of her that hated being perfect, the part of her that did what she wanted instead of what she was supposed to. The part of her she had squashed last week when she'd uttered a single word: no.  
  
Silent since then, it chose now to speak up.  
  
Suddenly the hair beneath her fingers was too soft, too straight. The weight pressed against her body was too heavy. The chin against her throat wasn't smooth enough. Most of all, though, the voice that whispered her name was completely wrong.  
  
Desperate to silence the doubts in her head, Rory forced herself to moan his name. It sounded wrong on her lips, the sounds too hard.   
  
His pace was increasing now, but Rory was barely aware of him, even as he moved inside of her. Her knees pressed against his thighs, more out of reflex than any desire to press their bodies closer together. She had to suppress a bitter laugh at the realization that, although joined in the most intimate way possible, she had never felt more alone, more removed from everything. Bitterness quickly turned to anger, as she clung desperately to memories that soothed the longing.  
  
_"Stop Rory, just stop. I did not invite you up here; you came up here on your own!"  
  
"Jess is gone."  
  
"I think I may have loved you..."  
  
"I love you."  
_  
No! Her brain screamed, trying to claw away from the memories.  
  
_"I wanted to see you, talk to you..."  
  
"Come with me."  
  
"We'll be together. It's what I want; it's what you want too!"  
  
"You can count on me now. I know you couldn't count on me before, but you can now. You can!"  
  
"We're supposed to be together."  
  
"Don't say no just to make me stop talking or to make me go away"_  
  
The memories washed over her, and Rory squeezed her eyes shut, fingers tightening against Dean's forearms. He was moving faster now, and she could feel something building within her. With each thrust another memory invaded her mind, increasing with the speed of Dean's movements. For a moment, the hair beneath her fingers was coarser, thicker, darker. For a split second it was a different voice that called out her name, and when everything felt ready burst, behind her eyes, all Rory could hear was his voice.  
  
_"Only say no if you really don't want to be with me."_  
  
Her world exploded then, and she tightened her knees and arms around the man above her and she cried out:  
  
"Yes!"  
  
Afterwards, in the rush to get dressed once she heard her mother's voice, Rory locked away all of those thoughts. She'd done what she was supposed to do. Her first time, with her first love, the one who loved her. This was how it was supposed to be.  
  
There was no Jess; she wouldn't give him the satisfaction. Clinging desperately to the choices she had made, Rory had diligently dialed her cell phone. It wasn't until she heard Lindsay's voice on the other end that she broke down and wept. Wept because her choice had been wrong.   
  
Dean wasn't hers, he was Lindsay's... and Jess wasn't hers either. For the first time in years, she had nothing. She'd given Dean the most precious thing she had and denied the person most precious to her.  
  
And for that, Rory wept.  
  
_And this is getting over you   
And this is getting over you   
This is getting over you _


	2. Chapter One: Displaced

**Author's Note:** Here's the actual start of my tale... lyrics this time are from Azure Ray. Feedback would be quite encouraging! And since I forgot on the prologue... I don't own anything, I swear!

_

* * *

_

_And she's my friend of all friends   
She's still here when everyone's gone   
She doesn't have to say a thing   
We'll just keep laughing all night long   
All night long _

**Chapter One: Displaced**

Lorelai's heart broke when she pushed open the door. She hadn't intended to be so hard, and her throat constricted, as it did every time she was forced to be harsh. She'd been doing this for over nineteen years, and could count on one hand the number of times she'd had to speak to Rory that way. Sighing, she paused only briefly on her way down the stairs, unable to take the sight of her little girl's tears.  
  
Sitting beside her on the stairs, Lorelai resisted the urge to pull Rory into her arms. Coddling her wouldn't help either of them.  
  
So, they sat there in silence, only the sound of Rory's sobs filling the night air. Slowly, they started to subside, losing intensity and frequency. Only then did Lorelai lift her arm, hovering a whisper above her daughter's shoulders.  
  
Rory lifted her head to look at her then. Their eyes met, and Lorelai's heart broke a little more at the pain reflected in her little girl. She pulled her into her arms and held on tight, Rory's tears beginning anew as she clutched the front of her mother's shirt.  
  
Lorelai wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, holding onto each other. She kissed and smoothed Rory's hair until the second wave of her weeping finally died down.  
  
Another woman might've tried to talk about it again, or blindly reassure the girl. But Lorelai Gilmore knew her daughter, and knew what she needed.  
  
"So, like I was saying, Kirk running naked through the square. Gotta tell you, Lulu's a lucky girl, he's an impressive man."  
  
Rory snorted with laughter, her voice muffled from Lorelai's chest. "You checked out Kirk?"  
  
"When the pillow fell down I didn't have much of a choice. Poor Luke was much closer to than I was."  
  
Rory laughed again, pulling away, but resting her head against her mother's shoulder. "Why were you and Luke with Kirk while he was naked?"  
  
Lorelai smirked. "He interrupted a moment. Nakedly interrupted a moment. Then dropped the pillow and tumbled over a thorn-filled bush."  
  
"Naked?"  
  
"Naked."  
  
Rory winced. "Poor Kirk."  
  
"Poor thorny bush."  
  
"You're cruel. Where's Kirk now?"  
  
"Luke managed to get him back to the inn, he's with Lulu now. I went for bandaids."  
  
Rory's face fell then, remembering why the bandaids were sitting inside, forgotten. She opened her mouth, but wasn't sure what to say. She wasn't ready to apologize or to explain her reasons, not yet... she just wouldn't know where to start.  
  
Recognizing the hesitancy, Lorelai squeezed her arm once, before standing. "I'd better get those bandaids to the Dragonfly. You ready to head back and get some sleep?"  
  
Thankful her mother had, intentionally or not, given her an excuse to get away from the house, Rory nodded. "Yeah, we should probably get going."  
  
Lorelai hugged her once more before standing "I'll go and get those bandaids, then." She commented, before disappearing inside.  
  
She was only gone moments, but Rory looked up, and her heart sank. There were no stars visible, and somehow that reminded her of Jess...

* * *

One would need to know Luke Danes extremely well to realize he was in a good mood. His grumpy exterior remained constant as he went about his daily business. Indeed, there were very few people who would be able to tell that just hours ago had marked one of the happiest moments of his existence.  
  
Kissing Lorelai had been everything and nothing like he had imagined. The way she felt, the way she tasted... it was more than he could process. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting when he'd pulled her to him. The desperate part of him had just wanted to taste her, if only once. When she'd responded, his whole world was changed.  
  
And then Kirk had come screaming through.  
  
Luke had never been so torn, in the split seconds before he went running after him. Part of him wanted to grab her again, feel her body against his... but the responsible part of him had won out, and he'd gone dashing after Kirk. Lorelai had followed, and by the time they'd caught him, Kirk was bleeding from multiple scratches and regaining coherency.  
  
Lorelai had entrusted him with getting Kirk back to Lulu, and then dashed off for bandaids. He didn't see her again that night, and woke far too early, needing to get back to the diner.  
  
Despite his slight disappointment at that, Luke was still in an exceptionally good mood. He had to push down the urge to grin outright when he saw her enter the diner, slightly earlier than usual.  
  
But when his eyes met hers across the counter, he couldn't help but wince. Something was wrong. He knew her well enough to recognize that much. Hell, he knew her well enough that sometimes he could gauge her exact temperament from a glance. She looked tired, that much was blatant. There was a heaviness about her that he didn't often see. For a small moment his entire world stopped as thoughts filled with self-doubt screamed through his mind: Was this because of him? Did she regret what had happened? As quickly as the thoughts had entered his mind, he laid them to rest. All it took was one more look in her eyes.  
  
She slid onto a stool, offering him what anyone else would call a blinding smile, but what Luke recognized as a weak offering. In all the years he'd known her, he'd never seen this mix of emotion. Along with appearing exhausted, disappointment lingered in her eyes. A strange emotion for someone currently engaged in a highly successful test run of her business.  
  
He opened his mouth to ask her what was wrong, and he could tell she knew that was what he intended to say. Her eyes spoke volumes, though, begging him not to ask, to let it be. In that second, he understood many things. First, whatever it was, she couldn't talk about it right now. She had a test run to finish, after all. Second, Luke could tell that what she needed most of all was normalcy. She'd come to him when she was ready, but right now she just needed to pretend that last night hadn't happened. Pretend there had been no kisses, no declarations...  
  
He'd been waiting ten years; he could wait a little longer.  
  
So, when Luke did speak, it wasn't with lips that had been kissing hers twelve hours prior.  
  
"What can I get you?"  
  
Relief washed over her beautiful features, and Luke was positive that that alone was worth putting his feelings on the backburner once more.  
  
"Coffee to go."

* * *

When Rory awoke, it was to a strange pillow. She vaguely remembered her mother getting up and smoothing back her hair, telling her to just sleep. Hugging the pillow, she squeezed her eyes shut, pretending she hadn't seen the worry and disappointment in her mother's eyes. It hadn't been there last night, when she'd joked and talked about Kirk, and Luke, and everything that had happened at the Inn.  
  
But, to use a cliché, in the harsh light of day, it had returned.  
  
Rory swallowed, and for the first time since her tears on the porch, allowed herself to think about what had happened.  
  
She was sore, that was apparent almost immediately. An unfamiliar ache between her legs greeted her when she climbed from the bed. Had she really been so distracted last night that she hadn't noticed it? Or had it just started this morning... Rory was lost in thought when she stepped into the shower, eager to remove all traces of last night.  
  
Cleaned, and fresh, she pulled on jeans and searched her mother's bag for a sweater, wanting the comfort that came from wearing another's clothing. The knock on the door came before she had a chance to do anything with her hair. She opened it, expecting Sookie, or Miss Patty... She froze when she realized who it was.  
  
"Dean."  
  
He swallowed, hands shoved into his pockets. "Rory... can we talk?"  
  
She nodded, almost numbly and he stepped into the room, closing the door. Her breath caught and the room suddenly seemed much smaller than it had been.   
  
Dean was looking everywhere but at her. "I... we made a mistake." He said, finally.  
  
Rory just nodded again.  
  
"I'm married, and Lindsay... I never gave her a fair chance. There was always you." He glanced at her briefly, but returned his attention to the wallpaper. "I think I need to give her a chance, Rory."  
  
"You do." Her voice sounded foreign somehow, like it wasn't really her that spoke.  
  
"So we don't talk about this?"  
  
"We don't."  
  
He gave her a relieved smile and reached over to squeeze her arm, not noticing when she stiffened in response. With that, he left, closing the door behind him.  
  
Rory just stood there, staring at where he had stood.  
  
After a while, she realized she wasn't crying. She didn't even feel hurt, like she thought she probably should. All she felt was relief. His words danced through her brain. He never gave Lindsay a fair chance... there'd always been her...  
  
It all sounded very familiar to her.  
  
_"I need to trust you as much as I trusted-"  
  
"Him."_  
  
Only then did Rory start to cry, realizing she hadn't given someone a fair chance either...   
  
_Am I making something worthwhile out of this place   
Am I making something worthwhile out of this chase   
I am displaced, I am displaced_

* * *

**AN2: **Well, wasn't that cheery? Stay tuned next time though, because someone's about to make his reappearance into Rory's life! (And I ain't talking about Tristan here.)


	3. Chapter Two: Make Believe

**A few interesting facts:** I'm normally much heavier on the dialogue than I have been in the last two parts. I'm starting to get back to that here, but its mostly out of necessity. My goal is to make this more of a character story. Anyway, enough rambling. I just wanted to give a huge shout out to everyone who reviewed, it really encouraged me to get this part out faster! The lyrics this time are from Yellowcard's Ocean Avenue.

* * *

_There's a piece of you that's here with me  
Its everywhere I go, it's everything I see  
When I sleep I dream and it gets me by  
I can make believe that you're here tonight...  
That you're here tonight...  
_  
**Chapter Two: Make Believe**  
"I never want to move again."  
  
"That's going to make running the inn a little difficult."  
  
"Stop with the sense making."  
  
"Isn't that why I'm getting a fancy education?"  
  
"You're getting a fancy education so you can get a fancy job and shower your mother with money and presents in her old age."  
  
"Okay, as long as we have our priorities."  
  
With great effort, Lorelai pulled herself out of the overstuffed armchair. "The test run was a huge success."  
  
"It was." Rory nodded her agreement. "I even overheard Taylor saying he was surprised he didn't have more to complain about."  
  
"He only filled out about three dozen comment cards! Lucky Michel gets to go through all of them tomorrow."  
  
"He's going to be thrilled."  
  
"Well, I suppose we should get our stuff together and back home." Lorelai looked skeptically at neatly packed suitcases sitting beside the bed. "You already packed..."  
  
"Yeah." Rory shrugged. "I figured you'd be tired after working for two days straight, and I didn't really have much else to do..."  
  
Lorelai sighed. "You're okay with going home now, right?"  
  
"I guess. I can't exactly stay here, yknow?"  
  
"No, but if you're not ready... I mean, if you want to talk about what happened..."  
  
"No." Rory trained her glance to her shoes "I mean, I do... I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to say. There isn't exactly a guidebook on what to say to your mother after you give your virginity to a married man."  
  
"You should write one." Lorelai's laugh was forced.  
  
"I screwed up. I'm sorry about how I spoke to you, I really am. I know you were just trying to be my mother." Rory looked at her then, holding her gaze. "I was unfair to you, throwing Dad in your face like that."  
  
"I didn't handle it any better than you did, Rory." Lorelai sighed, sinking back into the armchair. "I panicked a little bit."  
  
"I won't hold it against you."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Mom?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Are we okay?"  
  
Lorelai smiled at her. "We're fine, Rory."  
  
Relief washed over Rory and she crossed to the armchair and hugged Lorelai tightly. "I hate it when we fight."  
  
"So do I, so do I."

* * *

Rory had been steadfastly ignoring her bedroom from the moment they arrived home. The test run of the Inn had been a success in more ways than one, as it had given her an excuse to avoid going inside. Sometime over the weekend her mother had come home and changed the sheets and disposed of the garbage, but to Rory the room still felt all wrong.  
  
Now, her mother having left to get them dinner, Rory found herself standing in the doorway. She swallowed, glancing around. The biggest change the room had gone through in her entire life was the redoing of the Harvard board, and that had been fine by her. But now, everything felt wrong.  
  
Gripping the doorframe, Rory forced herself to step inside. It wasn't that hard... at least, that's what she kept trying to tell herself.

* * *

Force of habit kept Luke from locking the door when he flipped the sign to closed. He hadn't been doing it for years, waiting until the last moment when he was all tidied up and heading for his apartment. Sure enough, twenty minutes after his scheduled closing time, she came in.  
  
Laden with bags of takeout, Lorelai dropped them unceremoniously onto the nearest table before flopping into a seat. Luke didn't say anything, just brought her the last cup of coffee, he'd been secretly saving in hopes that she'd stop by.   
  
"Oh thank god." She grabbed the cup, finishing half of it instantly. "You're a saint."  
  
"I try." He shifted awkwardly, trying to decide how to proceed. She still looked tired, but not quite as stressed as she had seemed before.  
  
She beat him to the punch, though, and rested her head on the table. "Rory slept with Dean."  
  
Luke sat down on the nearest chair.  
  
"He's married, and they slept together... And she's my little girl, she's not supposed to..." Lorelai sighed. "I just don't know what I'm supposed to say to her."  
  
Uncomfortable with the subject, Luke cleared his throat before speaking. "It was, um, her first time?"  
  
She nodded. "I mean, I knew it would happen eventually. I'd actually thought about what I'd say to her, but nothing applies in this case, you know?"  
  
Luke just nodded. Why did it seem that he was getting involved in discussions on the sex lives of everyone in town? He briefly entertained the thought of Taylor running in to discuss just that... then he mentally shuddered at the image that provided. Thankfully, his foray into disturbing mental images had only lasted a split second and he was able to reply to Lorelai without missing a beat.  
  
"I'm going to kill him."  
  
She sighed. "No. You're not going to kill him. While I'm not entirely opposed to the idea, and wouldn't mind assisting you, it wasn't just him. Rory is just as much at fault."  
  
"Can I maim him?"  
  
She laughed a little at that and Luke's heart swelled, thankful he was able to cheer her up the smallest bit. It was apparent that this situation had thrown her completely off balance. For a few moments they sat in silence. Lorelai with her coffee cup and Luke watching her. When she finally broke the silence, she sounded tired.  
  
"I'm sorry, Luke."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Lifting her head from the table, she rested her chin on her arms "Because it's Sunday. We were supposed to see a movie."  
  
"That had actually slipped my mind."  
  
"No it hadn't." She smiled at him. "You're just too nice and don't want me to feel guilty.  
  
How was a guy supposed to respond to that? Thankfully, Lorelai pulled herself up and grabbed her takeout bags. "I need to get home, we can reschedule as soon as I get everything sorted out, okay?"  
  
"Yeah." He nodded, standing up and helping her with her bags "There's no rush, whenever you're ready."  
  
"I'm ready right now, Luke. I've just got so much to deal with. Besides," She smiled at him, then "I can't help but feel it would be grossly unfair of me to engage in behaviour that would make me so happy when my little girl is hurting so much."  
  
Luke smiled back. Although it hadn't been strictly necessary, he was thankful for the reassurance her words provided. The last shred of doubt disappeared. He couldn't say he was thrilled with the way things were progressing, but they key point was that they were. It might be at a snails pace, but at least that was better than nothing.

* * *

_His hands, while rough against her skin, spoke of an infinite gentleness. There were no slow languorous movements, no subtle build up. Just an intensity born of desire.  
  
Her fingernails bit into the skin of his shoulders, her legs in a death grip around his waist. There was nothing dreamy and serene about this joining, only muffled groans and the sound of skin against skin.  
  
There was no slow build, no steady rising of the feelings inside her. Everything was fast and harsh and passionate, and when everything crashed behind her eyes, he buried his face against her shoulder and she cried out.  
  
"Jess!"_

* * *

Rory awoke with a start, glancing around in confusion. She was on the couch, curled against the arm. The house itself was quiet, indicating her mother had gone to sleep.  
  
After their dinner from Al's pancake world, Lorelai had filled her in on the happenings with Luke. Normally, Rory would've been equal parts thrilled for her mother and worried about the outcome. Unfortunately, her mind was elsewhere.  
  
She hadn't intended to fall asleep on the couch, she'd just been reading.   
  
_"Wow, aren't we hooked on phonics?"  
  
"Oh, I read a lot."_  
  
No. No no no no no no. She wasn't going to think. Not about him, not about the dream, not about any of it. Pushing herself off the couch, Rory grabbed the blanket she'd been sleeping with and headed outside.  
  
It was a quiet night in Star's Hollow, but Rory wasn't sure there was any other kind. At least, not in this particular town. Sighing, she sat down on the steps.  
  
It wasn't that she'd gotten over what had happened with Dean, she hadn't. To Rory, the act itself was, in her thinking, so tied to the previous week's confrontation with Jess that the two went hand in hand. In the last 48 hours she had, albeit reluctantly, come to terms with the fact she'd slept with Dean to prove something to herself.  
  
To prove she was over Jess.  
  
The only problem with that theory was, and she knew this now, she wasn't.  
  
That left her with a question. What was she going to do about it? It would be easy to ignore it... or maybe call her grandmother and see about going to Europe... Or she could stick to her original plan and get a summer job, spend the break saving her money and catching up on her recreational reading.  
  
Seeking him out was not an option. Absolutely not. She forced herself to think of all the crap he'd put her through. Reminded herself how he'd left, how he always left...  
  
But somehow, for the first time, that wasn't enough to dull the longing.  
  
_If I could find you now things would get better  
We could leave this town and run forever   
I know somewhere somehow we'll be together  
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away_

* * *

**AN2:** I didn't lie! He did come back! it was just in a dream sequence. (Yeah, I'm kinda evil, apologies) Anywaym what happened was I cut this chapter sooner than I'd originally planned, so I promise he'll actually be here next time :) 


End file.
